I am sitting here going through pictures, pictures and more pictures because my daughter graduates from college on May 14th. I am in the process of creating a DVD and this particular DVD is supposed to be a continuation of her life from 16 through college as I created one previously to highlight her life from birth to sweet 16.
As I am pulling pictures, I am feeling so overwhelmed with mixed emotions at how fast time has gone by. I feel like it was just yesterday when we were celebrating her high school graduation and now, with what seemed like a blink of an eye, here we are 4 years later. I am getting ready to celebrate yet another graduation and I have to ask myself, “Why do they call it a college graduation?” They should call it a graduation to life because this is when life really kicks in. This is where the rubber meets the road, baby. The culmination of my daughter’s life, thus far, is supposed to have taught her to be on her own and make adult decisions? As we all know, that isn’t what college teaches us or claims to teach us. I can’t wrap my head around her being ready for the real world.
Are we ever ready for the real world? I am still wondering. Even as I think that, I remind myself, I left home at 20 years old and never looked back. Really, how was I ready? Well, truth be told, I wasn’t ready; but, life made me ready as I made one mistake after another until it got so painful that I stopped making so many mistakes. You noticed, I said “so many” because I am still making mistakes and will continue to make them. We are what they call WIP in the manufacturing world (work in process) learning and growing one mistake, challenge or opportunity at a time. All I can say is “I better be one kick butt finished product.”
Although we know some people learn better and quicker than others, I will have to see which category my daughter fits in. I will watch on the sideline, trying to be the kind of mother she needs me to be at this moment and waiting for the next time our relationship needs to change for whatever reason. With each change brings new challenges and opportunities that I am sometimes prepared for and sometimes NOT!
I remember when she went off to college it was such a huge transition. I remember the feelings of sadness when I dropped her off and left her for the first time at her dorm. I remember the first time I set the table after she left home and the weird feeling I got when I reminded myself she wasn’t coming home for dinner and the 4th place setting wasn’t needed. That was when it hit me that the possibility of her living under the same roof with me again was slim to none. It began a long and painful struggle for me as the ever changing dynamics of our relationship unfolded rapidly before my very eyes; whether I was ready or not, stopping it wasn’t an option. I wish someone would have said, “Strap yourself in; you are in for the ride of your life.”
As I sit here, I am feeling déjà vu as I say, “Here I go again!” So, I am trying to put my big girl panties on and tell myself this is going to be great; I am ready for this. Now, I can just be her friend and not so much her mom, not as much the bad guy all the time. I do realize; though, all these struggles and mixed feelings I am having towards our relationship is not a bad thing. It is just making our relationship different once again. I learned this while going through this the first time; see I am a quick study. Now, I can say, “This isn’t my first rodeo.”
I know I am not the first mother to go through this letting go process and if you have already done so, I am sure you are reading this and going wha, wha, and wha; cry me a river. All of you have survived, at least I think so, and I will as well; right?
Thank you goes to my husband who had to live with all my mood swings while I was trying to adjust and still trying to adjust. Also, special thanks to all my friends who have had to listen to me whine through this tough transition.
Most of all, Congratulations to my daughter Courtney, You Did It…. I am so proud and excited for what lies ahead for you and I am looking forward to all the other milestones that are yet to come.
If anyone has any good advice or your own stories to share about how you made this transition, please let me know. I look forward to all the help I can get…..